I decided to do some more work on myself today and explore some issues I’ve been having.
This post is going to be short because I’m really getting down to the bottom of what is triggering certain episodes. I’m also programming certain activities to become habits so I don’t have to worry about getting so many things right throughout the day.
Here is a sample of my list:
Morning Exercise – Struggling here, it isn’t always in the morning
✓ Smoothies (When I go through my “I don’t want to eat anything, nothing sounds good or I want to vomit at the smell/sight/etc. of that thing but in reality my head wants to binge later” phase every few weeks for a week or two at a time, smoothies always go down even if other food can’t or won’t.)
Writing goals, plans, etc.
Daily Schedule (This is tough. Perfectionism makes me too rigid.)
This morning I had some doubts about the dream job. They are all so fit there and since I’m not there yet even though I eat clean (100% on my good weeks) and workout, I thought “Who the hell am I to be getting a job there?”.
Well, I’m the best damn person for the position I applied to and I am working harder than anyone I know to get my fitness and health (including mental health) into peak condition. I have to start somewhere with my body and the level of work I’ve done on myself which took 7 years was incredible. I should never forget that.
Actually, without that work happening first I’d already be back to 198 lbs. I would have given up. Now I am getting very accustomed to noticing triggers, even the hidden ones as of today which I find to be an amazing jump in progress, and nothing is stopping me. I put an end to the thoughts immediately with logic, reasoning, and understanding.
CPTSD is tricky, though. I do not, however, want to be one of the people who takes a whole lifetime to get over it. I’m tackling it NOW and head on without fear.
Yes, I screw up. If you think you don’t, I would like to remind you that everyone’s shit stinks, including yours.
The truth isn’t pretty. Sometimes I’m petty and jealous, I admit it. I hate pointing it out to myself because I hate being insecure.
I think right now I’ll take a small break and play some LotRO (MMORPG for Lord of the Rings, very fun game). I’ve been working my butt off and feel like I don’t take enough time to recharge my batteries.
I’ll leave you with this:
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
– George Bernard Shaw